We asked an ex pro surfer – who wishes to remain anonymous – his opinion on some recent surf films and was surprised to be told ‘I hate surf films’. We needed to find out more, from which we put together this article about why surfing porn sucks!
I hate surf films
First of all, this article isn’t bagging on all surf films. On the contrary, there are some real quality flicks out there. From the bumbling excursions documented in Endless Summer to the predictably, cheesy yet lovable climax of North Shore, I wholeheartedly endorse a particular level of wave sliding motion picture.
While I hate surf films on the whole, some have a place in my heart. So this article isn’t about the pioneering classics or the ridiculous Hollywood plot lines I’m able to regard as ‘respectable entertainment’.
This article is a rant about the greasy, filthy world of surf smut – scorching twenty-second barrels, ten-foot rodeo flips, insane power slashes ad nauseum. Sure, I’ll watch it, but I don’t have to like it. And here’s why surfing porn sucks.
Why surfing porn sucks!
Are you able to recognize a wave like Cloudbreak just from a picture? How about Escondido? Or G-Land? Answering yes is a reflection of the proliferation of these distant gems but is also why I hate surf films.
Websites, magazines, and especially surf flicks plaster these spots on our minds like adolescents taping up supermodel posters in their rooms – unobtainable, yet omnipresent. Have you ever surfed these waves? Hats off to you if you have.
Chances are these surf destinations are a pretty serious trek from your home and they’re certainly challenging to ride. Ask a moderately-traveled surfer and chances are he’s been to at least one of the three. But would that surfer have visited even one of those waves in the absence of mass surf media? Odds are against it.
Surf films = Destination exploitation
My point is that surfing media, including surf films to a large degree, degrade these rare paradises. Everyone and their brother knows where they are and what to expect when they arrive.
And to a certain extent this is exploitation. Indirectly inviting more and more surfers to visit remote breaks and squander the previously undisturbed resources there.
Personal exploration has taken a backseat to more trodden paths. Stop leeching. Get out there and discover your own wave. And don’t tell anyone about it.
What about surf tourism?
I already know your counterpoints: One, surf tourism is bringing resources to these locations, not reducing them. Two, didn’t classics surf films like Endless Summer get this ball rolling and modern surf movies are only following through on the same course? Why should modern ‘surfing porn’ be blamed?
First, ask any local on your next surf holiday if the influx of foreign surfers visiting his wave is a good thing for the area. He’ll say, yes, it boosts the economy. Ask him if he’s happy about it. Ninety-nine percent of the time he’ll say the money isn’t worth it.
Second, yes, you’re right. I admit the early travel surf movies I vindicated earlier in this article did instigate this exploitation. It’s like being excited man landed on the moon, and then being disappointed to discover a lunar McDonald’s. Maybe it’s just the natural course of things, but I still want to bitch about it.
I hate surf films predictability
[fast forward] Sun rising; packed bags; airport terminal; tired dude face (with obligatory brand cap); airplane wing in flight; stewardess butt; stoked dude face (with shaka); plane landing; foreign cuisine; landscape from car; tropical perfection; fins; wax; paddle out; barrel; nonchalant dude face; aerial; tropical butt; barrel; slow motion artsy sunset shot; credits.
Sorry if I just spoiled the new surf film you’ve been working on, but it’s really not much of a secret.
The actual surf action I understand. This is pure surfing porn. We all want to see full penetration of the tube. What I don’t get is the fluff in between. I just don’t care about what you eat or how you got there or whose sunglasses you’re wearing.
How can I possibly eschew having to watch a surfer walk on the beach or jump off the boat? These segments add absolutely nothing to surfing footage. There is zero context gained when I see doubled-up glass bowl preceded by wax application.
And I appreciate chicks as much as the next guy – bikini bottom is a great way to keep a man’s attention. I just want filmmakers to acknowledge that we need our interest jump-started during these movies for a reason.
Mind numbing surfing porn repetition
It’s why these films only last thirty or forty minutes – and even that’s too long. It’s the same thing over and over and over again. Sick wave, sick barrel, sick punt. Repeat. Add the the nonsensical clips mentioned above you’ve mixed in sawdust to a bowl of oatmeal.
No-one is on the edge of their seat more than three minutes into any DVD. I’m numbed to the experience after the first segment. The rest of it is akin to a Xanax coma – I even start drooling from my atrophied lips. And throwing Kelly in as the last segment is beyond anticlimactic. At least put him somewhere when I’m still semi-conscious.
My gripe here is that the entertainment value is extremely low and very rarely outweighs the cost or the time of viewing these movies. They’re more vacuous than a spoiled fourteen-year-old on a shopping spree in Los Angeles.
Call me romantic, but maybe that’s why I’m a sucker for cheesy plot lines. Give me Blue Crush over Thicker Than Water any day. At least the former has the substance of soggy wood.
Porno tunes save the day
One saving grace of surf porn is the music. I’ve been introduced to some very cool artists over the years through watching these flicks. I’d probably be happier if half the screen was a music video, but I guess you can’t have it all.
The internet has mitigated my frustration as well. It provides a medium to broadcast tiny clips of things without monetary or temporal commitments. A ridiculous maneuver on a ridiculous wave within fifteen seconds? You’ve got my click.
Hopefully we can expand this trend further while minimizing the DVDs that simply link these clips end to end for half an hour with fluff filled time wasting between. Although I’ll probably still find some way to complain about it, at least I’ll able to have North Shore on in the background.
Disagree that surfing porn sucks? Hate surf films too? Leave a comment. Also be sure to check out our surfing holiday discounts in case you want to exploit some of the awesome surf destinations you watch in the movies!
